Wierdness that is Life

kenosis_kalon @ 2007-05-16T01:50:00

2007-05-16T06:00:42Z

So assuming I got a C or higher in 381 (as of exam time I needed 42% on the final to do so) I just needed to remove all NG (no grades) from my transcript and pass an ENEE4** elective. 4 years ago I took ENEE440 and had an NG in the course. If that were a C I could graduate at the end of this summer semester, and do the pomp and circumstance come winter if people want to see me in a dress that badly.

Quoth my 440 professor:
"My records show that although your homework scores were very bad, you
passed both exams and received a grade of 81 on the functional part of
Project 2, hence you could receive a grade of 'C-' immediately if that
is your desire."

Can you see the triumphant fireworks display?

Can you here the victory march playing?

Can you see the lunatic girl sambaing down the street hugging random people who now think she's insane and possibly dangerous?

So this is what euphoria feels like.

kenosis_kalon @ 2007-05-08T20:55:00

2007-05-09T01:34:39Z

okay meme pilfering away

[1] Are u single,taken,crushing?
single and crushing multiply, but nothing serious.

[2] Are you happy with where you are?
nope I have no plan and don't know where I'm going.

[3] When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
More like glide down rapidly being extra cautious to give myself an escape plan if things turn bad.

[4] Have you ever had your heart broken?
Broken ground into powder and urinated upon. Not by anyone who's can read this mind you, that one was scum I wasted way the hell too long on.

[5] Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
probably not. And you know what $%&^ trying to do the right thing by people who screwed you over. If that pysch-#$*% wants to punish herself by dating the resident half-ton semi-pedophilic creap more power to them.

[6] Have you ever talked about marriage with another person?
Yes but then I'm a romantic so that barely counts.

[7] Do you want kids?
Yes sadly the powers that be have an cruel sense of humor.

[8] How many?
2-5

[9] Would you consider adoption?
I don't see much alternative to adoption really.

[10] If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to say it?
I just say what I'm thinking and let them sort out what I mean. In theory anyways?

[11] Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
Nope nor do I let people play hard to get with me. I will corner someone into a yes, no question rather than spend three plus years chasing after the sexiest girl you know because her refusal to say no (or yes) is some sort of sign of hope. Heh W/E

[12] Have you ever liked someone you couldn't have?
Dunno if I couldn't have anyone but plenty of people I've liked I've never had.

[13] Do you believe love at first sight exists?
Yes but only under the losest definition of love. True love runs deeper and needs to be nurished and fed to grow.

[14] Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Celebrating is fun; anniversaries are a reasonable excuse to celebrate.

[15] Do you believe that you can change someone?
Alas poor Heisenberg I couldn't even look at him without changing him. A little hopefully not too much or otherwise why bother dating them and not someone more like the someone I'd change them into and save myself some effort.

[16] Do you have feelings for someone right now?
Pluralize that.

[17] Do you still have feelings for an ex?
All but two actually. One I only went on one date with and had no chemistry with, the other is the infamous psycho-$#%*. Which isn't to say I'm looking to hook up with or would consider dating most of my exes, just I still see what I saw in them that initially attracted me and I still like them even if I don't like like them. Yes yes I know welcome to grade school but I'm tired and don't feel like wracking my mental thesaurus for proper English.

[18] How old do you want to be when you get married?
??? Married? Less sure I want to marry than I am about wanting kids. I'll say this though, not now, not soon either

[19] Would you ever consider getting married in high school?
Hah I was young and foolish and might have, and while I don't think I should I will say if I were to marry the only person that might have been I don't think I would have regretted it or if somehow I was stuck with her even without romantic love I think I could be content putting up with that gal every day because we were always just comfortable.

[20] Would you marry any of your ex`s if they ask?
Conceivable but not if they just up and asked me. We'd have to repair things and get there normally.

kenosis_kalon @ 2007-05-08T00:52:00

2007-05-08T05:02:43Z

I being depressed and near as I can tell it's because I'm uncertain about life after college. I don't know if I can be myself in the scary outside world safely. I don't know if I can make new friends or keep in touch with old friend once I'm out there. I don't know where I'll be working or what I'll be doing. And I find it hard to get good listeners who I can open up to and purge the bad stuff so I can work through things. Especially not listener good enough to hear through my bullshit when I'm lying to myself to avoid dealing with my problems. Like obssessing over someone who I do like, but really I'm just obssessing to avoid dealing with my college carreer coming to the end of a chapter at least. Such is life. I need to respond to Mel but I don't know what I'll be doing that weekend yet as fun as camping with old friends would be.

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-11-29T03:49:00

2006-11-29T07:49:18Z

So lets see, what flavor of depression do we have tonight.

We'll start with the no job makes me cranky. Found a local job doing web programming. I have two years experience doing web programming, and a glowing review from the guy I was porgramming for. I've worked with the latest version of the language though the guy wanted an older one. The older language is more directly based on a language I was programming in at 13. Which happened to be the year that language came out. And the language that was based on I was programming in when I was around 7-8. Needless to say the reason they're not hiring me is because they found someone more qualified. Which is a giant sack of bullshit. There are several dozen people comperably qualified to me out there, but to be more qualified one would need basicly already have a master's degree in comp-sci. What the guy really means when he say's "we found someone more qualified" is I don't really give a rats ass about this hiring I picked a name and it wasn't you. I HATE bullshit. Don't patronize me with a "we found someone more qualified."

Alright moving along to sex, there's the libido phlbt. Usually my libido is pretty moderate, high for a girl, low for a boy, but well within the norm for either. However the mocking evil waxing gibous plus or minus a day or two, brings with it more than my share of lust, and well lust + alone equalls lonely. Yes, I am aware the internet has been designed to provide for cost or free of charge errotic materials for all sorts. For the physical issues this is tolerably effective. After all if you can't love yourself, how will you know where that future partner should touch or what ideas will start the motors for them? It is nice to know the parts are working, and working well, frustratingly overly well at times; when the idea is to satiate libiido, going back for thirds or more is inconvenient. Would someone else understand my O well enough to call up all that fire? I dunno, despite being surrounded by available nice looking people who complain at me about their lack of a love life, I'm apparrently untouchable. Even if I have no itention of dating any of these people it'd be nice if even one of them considered dating me a possibly desirable thing. And why not? Skipping the obvious reason is it that I'm too tall? Is it that people find me to agressive? It seems like it is the obvious, they see me as transexual and don't want to be in a "gay" relationship. For straight women yes okay not a lesbian I can understand that. Hetero guys just don't understand. The thing is I'm bi I know what attactive looks like, and I'm an attractive guy. If I got my act together I could probably model as a male. That said if you've been paying attention I'm okay looking and don't really put much effort into my male presentation. But it certainly would be alot easier. To pretend to be some pretty boy who I'm not. And I'm confident I could start a relationship with some unsuspecting girl. Get married have kids, go batshitfracking crazy, and have to transition when I'm like 40-50 and ruin our hypothetical straight girl's love life unless she decides to switch teams. The thing people don't reallize is the water-torture like annoyance of being untransitioned. Sure it's just a little drip, but you try dealing with a little drip for 20 or 30 years. Eventually you're going to have to cross the fence to get away from that horrible dripping. That said I feel really alone sometimes and it's really tempting to play prince charming for a couple months just to get some cuddling.

The only thing worse though than the waxing gibous is the full moon. Hi mr. Moon I hope you die horribly. Full moon brings insomnia, migranes, moodswing, random inexplicable fits of crying, cravings, mild nausea and a few other minor symptomes, which come every month like clockwork. Anyways as bad as not really PMS is, I should get some rest. It's not PMS because there's no menstrual discharge for obvious reasons which thankfully means no cramping which I hear can be really painfull. Yeah the brightside of having the wrong equipment. I'm going to bed. I'm skeptical anyones still reading this far into me ranting anyways. Goodnight journal, and people who read you. Go to hell mr. Moon.

Dissapointment.

2006-10-27T05:44:03Z

So I've been looking forward to going out clubbing since last friday. I really wanted a chance to spend some time with K talking/dancing w/e, catching up at the very least. I wanted to catch up with D. And I wanted to go out and have fun dancing with S.

D can't go she has job interviewy thing.
K can't go he's got too much work friday and can't get away.
S flakes out a third time straight jumping from okay mistakes happen to WTF is wrong with you that you can't keep up with this. Saying you'll be somewhere at 10 then showing up after 12:30 isn't cool, it's fracking rude. So from going out clubbing with good friends to going out clubbing with a couple friends to posting sad emoish bull to a stupid website in some lame plea for attention only not really. I don't want attention I want to feel better,
So yeah major emotional let down. and not sure how to get support for feeling like shit ove stuff like this. So I'm going to post this eat a little and goto bed. Try to figure out why this hurts this much when it was just a trip out.

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-10-25T00:37:00

2006-10-25T01:08:10Z

Hey, so you know, I'm not actually dead. I'm actually just not getting on LJ regularly because I suck like that. So anything to report? Work, work is slow tedious and I'm running into serious cases of, "I know what the problems are and how to fix them but you keep torpedoing my every effort and sticking me with this menial labor despite all of our clients raving about how I'm brilliant and a life saver." Needless to say thats less than fun. And I'm supposed to just sit there and let them screw up apparently because they don't want my solutions because I have the nerve to suggest that after 6 years studying electronics I know a thing or two about fixing them.

Class is class, we're designing an opthalmoscope, so I'm trying to improve on the existing designs, because I'm an engineer not a parrot.

Gaming club, is alot of fun. I got a Joey from T for some reason, he's really cute and is an amusing fing puppet. C asked A what from the bag she wanted to play, she said the purple tape, which apparently means to C come up to me and ask me to hold out my hands and shut my eyes. End up just being a tease since she hadn't planned past wrist, like that was going to be a challenge. *sigh* A fun game if I had anyone to play with. Sadly no one ever seems to want to play. But then the other games are also fun. We did Citadels, Set, Boggle, Aquarius, Fluxx and Give me the Brain.

Thursday night shall be alchemy at envy, sadly their last regular night unless they find a new venue since envy isn't working out. So far K, D, S, S's friend from illinois, and maybe someone else she knows are all planning on going, which promises to be great fun though kind of sad because K is awesome and this is the first time I've been brave enough to ask him.

I'm theorizing/hoping/wishing that two polyamorous/polyfexible bisexual/pansexual girls who both really like a guy and are good friend, won't have a problem. If not I'm sure I don't have a problem with everyone helping to work out each other's kinks. ~_^

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-05-05T01:05:00

2006-05-05T06:20:10Z

This is my post while I'm not hideously depress (not the same as faking it, just remembering I should also post on good days.) And by the way before I begin, tennemouse, marlianna, and Adam I love you all so much thanks for being there, it means alot to me. The rest of you guy, not saying I don't love you to, it's just they helped when I needed it. And Alex thanks also, but see you're a bastard, but deep down you're a decent guy and a credit to your gender. [insert lots of hugs all around here]

Alright now that that is done on with the nondepressed posting. Today was a pretty good day. Did the normal basic stuff. Still went passing the whole day which means I haven't used a male presentation since wednesday two weeks ago. I mean I didn't particularily intend to go full time, just each morning I've been getting up and saying to myself sure it'd be simpler to pretend to be a guy but I want to be myself and people who don't like what I'm trying to do, well they're poop heads anyways. So anyways I was still feeling icky and exposed and worried so I tried to find Luke who's incharge of LGBT rights here, I just wanted advice how to handle it though technically he's also who I should report the hate-crime to though it hardly warants a police report since thankfully it didn't escalate past general stupidity. Anyways his office was closed so I hit some homework in the IEEE lounge since the SWE lounge had closed. The I chatted with marlianna and well she's one smart girl so she had good perspective and I got back myself. Then I had to get to the undergrad office to drop off a paper before it closed, then it was time for gaming club and that was good. Played spit with Carla who's nice and then Amanda kept glancing at me and smiling which was kinda weird in the sort of whats going on here are you flirting with me because I thought you weren't in the dating pool and well I wouldn't mind but I'm not exactly looking right now. Nope she liked my shirt yays. And then Jessica I think is her name but I don't remember because she doesn't come very regularly asked about the prostetics which was fine. She's not a busty girl, but she looks nice in an approachable sort of way, but maybe she needs to feel sexy sometimes. Everyone should get to feel sexy sometimes. And I walked back with company part ways but still I'm not giving in to the bad people (even though that's not the advice I got.) I need to be and I'm not going to stop being because of some neanderthal pig-men.

And now
Stolen from porterbasieumi
1) Fifth grade teacher's name?
Mrs. Jennings...i think

2) Last words you said?
Bye bye, thanks.

3) Last song you sang?
Morisette-You Learn

4) Last person you hugged?
Kyle...*sigh*

5) Last time you cried?
Start of this post out of the 'I love my friends for their being there for me'-ness

6) Last time you said I don't remember?
Would you believe I don't remember? Oh and does that count?

7) Last thing you ate?
English muffin with cream cheese

8) What color is the floor in your room?
Creamy dark tan

9) What color socks are you wearing?
Were white now I have naked feet

10) What's under your bed right now?
A cord and a plastic bag

11) What time did you wake up today?
9am

12) Current taste?
Um potatoy oniony? Cause thats the most residual things I ate recently and it's not like I'll be kissing anyone anyways. Or at least I think they mean what am I tasting now.

13) Current hair color?
Golden Brown or Very-dark Blonde

14) Current favorite band?
Garbage I guess since I just discovered their transpositiveness and thats the awesome.

15) Current annoyance?
Men who suck.

16) Current thing you want to eat?
Chocolate

17) Current desktop background?
The moon.

18) Current worry?
Finding a job for the summer

19) Current hate?
Bigotry gah bigots are just horrible people

20) Current favorite brand of clothing?
don't have one

21) Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
Buh does that mean men or women? Shoulder and hair respectively.

22) Last CD that you listened to?
No idea

23) Favorite place to be?
even ground with other people so we can be company for each other and be nice.

24) Least favorite place?
Center of attention infront of people who don't understand and hate.

25) Time you wake up in the morning?
9am...didn't i already answer this

26) Time you get home from school?
tonight that was 12:10

27) Favorite color?
Amathyst okay fine purple

28) Do you believe in an afterlife?
Not really but even if there were heaven/hell I don't care about being punished for what I do in life I need to do the right thing for myself. I'd rather be a good person burning in hell than an evil person relaxing in heaven.

29) Do you believe in God?
yes but probably not the God you'd be familiar with and generally I favor Goddess since thats how I personify the abstract force of existance.

30) Current favorite word/saying?
Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend.

31) Favorite book?
I don't know too many to choose from.

33) what is on your bed at the moment?
Laundry I should be folding since it just came out.

35) Where do you want to go to College?
UMD

36) What do you want to be when you grow up?
Myself, an Engineer, a woman, a mother

37) How many kids do you want?
two or three, but none at the moment.

38) Been drunk?
Once, not to the point of a hangover, and it took alot of alcohol thus that'd be expensive so meh w/e

39) Said "I love you" and meant it?
Um many many times love is infinite not bound to one person or romantic feeling and certainly not to sexuality, though yeah I've loved and said so when I felt all three.

40) Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird.etc?
yeah sword-tails are so arguementative with their swiming arround a fish tank. (I want a kitty)

41) Been to New York?
Yes <3 the Met. Yay lots O' Art

42) Been to Maine?
Never stayed but yes in passing.

43) Been to California?
No

44) Been to Hawaii?
No but seems like it'd be fun.

45) Been to Mexico?
Not since I was a baby unless you count flying over it.

46) Been to India?
No

47) Been to France?
No

48) Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?
Dreamed I got up took some pills I take each morning woke up realized I couldn't have actually done that since I never went back to bed yet woke up. Took said pills saw a komono dragon wandering in the hall, woke up wondered if I'd taken the pills or not went back to bed woke up... After a while I decided it was safer not to take them since overdosing was worse than missing a dose.

49) Have you ever made out with anyone who didn't speak ANY english?
No

54) Worst feeling in the world?
Inability to help at all

55) What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
urgh mfng hrphm eghpuh

56) How many rings before you answer the phone?
Usually twice

59) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Not usually

68) What are you most scared of?
Losing people.

69) How do you want to die?
Contentedly

70) Who is the last person that you called?
Mom but I should've called porterbasieumi today

71) Where do you want to get married?
I'd worry more about the people than the place.

72) If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
Oh sex would be so very tempting but I'd fix my intelligence because then I'd be able to contribute more to society and not be such a dependent.

73) Who do you hate?
Bigots I said that.

74) Been in a swimming pool?
Not recently enough.

75) Are you timely or always late?
usually late

76) Do you have pets?
no *sigh* I want a kitty.

77) Do you like being around people?
Yes

78) Best feeling in the world?
Mutual love

79) Are you for world peace?
Under my absolute tyrannical rulership yes of course (he he or even not)

80) Are you a health freak?
Not, though I guess I do healthy things already. Hate elevators.

81) Do you have a "Type" of person you always go for?
Yes sort of there are traits I like which sometimes are contradictory but yeah theres attributes I go for I guess thats a type.

82) Do you like somebody right now?
No I like several people right now. I won't be limited to loving one person, thats crazy.

83) Does anybody like u right now?
Um I hope maybe probably wish some other people did to but yeah.

84) Ever afraid you'll never get married?
No, my worth is not determined by who I can attract.

85) Do you want to get married?
Maybe

86) Do you want kids?
Yes and thats the best argument I have for marriage.

87) If you could have a conversation with anybody in the world, alive or deceased and without language barriers, who would you talk to?
Hello God it's me Eve. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-05-04T00:43:00

2006-05-04T04:44:57Z

My life really isn't that bad I just tend to need to get the bad stuff out, and writing can help with that and thats why, that it. I'll post something happy next time.

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-05-04T00:05:00

2006-05-04T04:42:06Z

And we entitle tonights entry, why Eve is almost crying, and why she just hates men tonight.

So wore a girl's cut tee and jeans tonight not exactly girly-girl, but a female presentation head to toe. Working on walking normally and doing my normal wednesday night with Bisexuals At Maryland and Ballroom At Maryland, yeah Bam Bam!!! All pretty well mostly guys oggle the fake boobs girls looks perplexed or just smile back normally some guys look confused as hell, whatever 70% passing is better than faking something I'm not.

Bisexuals went alright no problem there. Hung out in the WAM lab between yes thats BAM WAM BAM! And in the wam lab had three guys opposite in the Unix box section altering between looks of what the heck and oh my god theres a girl there and her shirt says she like geeks, this actually was pretty amusing. Then ballroom.

Ballroom men flame like crazy. Good grief there's not a gay man on campus who flames as much as these guys yet somehow they're straight. Frankly I'm suprised one of them hasn't asked to borrow some of my clothes yet because they'd have fun with it which isn't great but they're not mean spirited about that sort of stuff. But that is only the regulars I'm in the beginners class with the newbs. Which is fine. I don't expect all the guys to be willing to dance with me. But don't fucking give me this crap about the going to get a drink. Fucking retard, you know how your girl friend knows when you lie? Yeah that's because you suck at it majorly. You don't want to dance because you're seeing me as a guy and that bothers you, say it! Yeah I realize I'm not 100% passable especially that close. But I deserve the god damned truth not some bull shit lie. I'm a BIG girl I can take it. This however is minor minor drama.

I was walking home, seeing as well I don't have a car to drive or anyone willing to give me a ride. Frat boys drive up pause ask for directions, moon me. Whatever don't need this crap flip em a bird and think we're done. No they're amazed because as they said "woah we thought you were a girl" Gee fucktard did the boobs give it away or the long hair? Perhaps it was the carefully practiced modification of the walk or the clearly visible midrift and sinched waistline? Gee you think maybe I'm a girl. They turn around drive passed scream something about homo. Please your going to yell bigotted slurs you can at least put that college education to work and use the right damned slurs fuck off breeders, whatever. I'm done I don't need to put up with this shit.
Drop off some papers at the stamp for Mike because he'd asked head on home, and there they are again as I'm passing art soc, clear across campus in totally the oposite direction as they were going fucking hell these morons are following me.
Head down the steps away from the road figure get to a nice public highway they're not about to pull any dangerous shit where there's strangers who might come to my defence but crap this means crossing the parking lot. And yes they drove passed again, but I get lucky and hey cop car. Smile at them and walk straight toward the cop. They drive off like the devil was at their coat tails. Thankfully. Creapy night, I feel hurt, dirty, pissed, fuming, raging, scared, violated. I'm going to talk to the campus' point man for LGBT rights tommorow not expect the bastards to be caught or made to face consequences for the hate misdemeanors, but I need some voice of confidence.

I'm sorry I'd wanted to space out with a positive happy entry. Too much angsty drama I don't need any drama I don't want drama I want a hug.

Oh I e-mailed the boy, haven't heard back. But I e-mailed him so thats my happy note to close on. Shalom Alechem

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-04-30T01:05:00

2006-04-30T05:42:35Z

So there's this boy, upon whom I apparently have a huge crush. If I were honest with myself ~~which of course I'm not~~ I've known about these feelings for him for most of a year. He was dating a girl at the time, so I didn't act, because I saw he was happy and wanted him to be happy. Then they broke up, and I didn't make a move because I saw he needed friend for a bit not a new girlfriend. Then summer came and I didn't see him for a long time ~~because I was a chickenshit retarded coward and didn't tell him before summer break~~ Then I finally met him again at the movies and could barely talk but I was too surprised at first to say anything, then the movie was going and I was going to flirt at him but one of the girls we'd coagulated into a group with had ended up in tears, and compassion won out over lust, which I don't regret in the slightest, though I would've liked to have had the chance to flirt with him, but lo he was going to pride prom. Oh the hotness, sexy guys in formal wear.

Dance was fun I showed up pretty early ate plenty of icecream and then, because he was no where in sight got up to dance ~~and it only took two people to get me past the shyness and the worrying because I feel like I'm half-naked and being held together by loose dentalfloss~~. So then well past the half-way point he finally shows up and I spot him dancing with this girl he came in with ~~frak~~. So I figure that's alright I'll catch him on the next dance, he disappears I can only guess to the mens room. So I keep dancing with other people and then notice finally he's back and dancing with a different girl, which was sweet because it meant he wasn't going to dance with that one girl the whole night, and I could catch him on the next dance. But at some point during that song the new girl ended up with her hands cuffed behind him and his hands on her waist, yes on the dance floor in hand-cuffs. My vivid imagination and frustrating libido decide to wage jihad against my tuck. O_o that's painfull for those of you who don't have penises and or have never tried to make them dissapear by squishing them back into you body and pressing it up between your legs. So off to the little girl's room to try and think of tap dancing zombies until that mental image went away long enough to fix things downstairs so they were unnoticable again. And so it continued in much the same fassion each time I started to try and tell him stuff would happen then it was last dance and he was no where in sight, so I set to changing back into normal cloths in the womens room, normal women's cloths. Then low and behold he appears in the hall, and I choke on my tongue. He jokes about changing back into normal cloths, give me a friendly hug and leaves.

$(*#$ #%*@^! #*$#% *sob*

Well I found his AIM screenname so if I see him online or in person again I'm telling myself I'll just point blank tell him. But goddess right now I need some "play-time" and some girl talk. *sigh* I don't suppose anyone remotely local wants to offer either?

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-04-29T19:39:00

2006-04-29T23:49:47Z

Well 20 minutes to pride prom all ready, but nervous. Mellenan's reaction to that meme I stole from Porterbasieumi, who stole it from Ryan just reminds me of what a fun person she is to chat with, but she wants to be a hermit or something so I give her space. I will however now secretly manipulate her obssessive compulsive tendancies, which we all of course have, and shall post this link: http://bensguide.gpo.gov/3-5/symbols/anthem_words.html to see if she has it memorized within the week. SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY (technically saturday really) Quirkiness versus contrariness in a winner take all grudge match to decide who shall reign supream. Ok well that distracted me a good ten minutes, which is kinda pathetic if you just look at the text, but in reality I spent entirely to long singing said national anthem just because it was there. Free ice cream, cute boys, nice women *sigh* wish my stomach weren't all fuddely nervous, but such is life. Can't let nerosis get in the way of having a good time.

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-04-27T12:52:00

2006-04-27T17:20:35Z

Can't figure out how to reply to my posts apparently being captivating in a trainwreck sort of way so I'll steal a meme and distract myself.

Whats your name spelt backwards? Eve (palandromines)

What did you do last night? Saw a free movie at the Hoff and did some schoolwork.

The last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Packet sniffer to deal with wierd stalker

Have you ever licked a 9-volt battery? Nope

Last time you swam in a pool? Um winter a couple years ago, but it was summer there.

What are you wearing? PJs and a robe

How many cars have you owned? none

Type of music you dislike most? Badly sung twangy blue-grass

Do you have cable? no

What kind of computer do you use? Franky is a zombie computer I built from scrapped parts.

Ever made a prank phone call? No but the hassling telemarketers I do do.

You like anyone right now? I like many people, but somehow I'm still not in any relationships.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? yup, I've rapelled down the Devil's staircase so jumping off bridges shouldn't be too different.

Furthest place you ever traveled? Southern Brasil (but that was just the international airport we stayed in northern Brasil)

What's your favorite comic strip? Catharsis

Do u know all the words to the national anthem? I can never remember the second verse, but I think I get bonus points just for knowing there's a second verse.

Shower, morning or night? morning to avoid soggy hair-pillowage.

Best movie you've seen in the past month? Trembling Before G-D, best and only

Favorite pizza toppings? Calamari, or failing that spinach.

Chips or popcorn? Chips

What cell phone provider do you have? Verizon

Have you ever smoked peanut shells? No, wth?

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Oh yes because I'm so confident about my looks. And I won it to. 9_9 I need only walk outside to be surrounded by girls betterlooking than myself.

Orange Juice or apple? Orange

Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? Mike, my live-in land-lord

Favorite chocolate bar? Extra dark solid chocolate

Who is your longest friend and how long? Chris though we're out of touch possibly because he's not out to me yet and I'm not sure how to tell him I'm totally at peace with him being gay.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? long long ago, I'm allergic to raw tomato so I have to cook them first. If I'm cooking them anyways I may as well use canned.

Have you ever won a trophy? Yes, several.

Favorite arcade game? Well I liked Dig Dug growing up.

Ever ordered from an infomercial? No

Sprite or 7-UP? Sprite, but I can't really tell the difference.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work? Yes, and uniforms are lame.

Last thing you bought at Walgreens? Uh? haven't or can't remember

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? True Love, though I consider my chances of becoming a millionaire accidentally to be much more likely.

Do you believe in love at first sight? No, thats lust at first sight, love may follow. Lust+Love=fun.

SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON? Jimmy Neutron, but eww both are just eww.

Did you have long hair as a young kid? It's the longest it has everbeen right now.

What message is on your voicemail machine? The you have reach... default thingy I think.

Where would you like to go right now? Pennsylvania though Hawaii would be fun to.

Whats the name of your pet(s)? Can't keep pets here.

What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it? Over the shoulder side carried pack.

What do you think about most? Fixing/improving things

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-04-26T23:50:00

2006-04-27T04:14:37Z

Alright so I had a busy day today; it started "early" working on geometry, checking things online, checking paperwork. Had breakfast/lunch around 11ish, got showered and dressed femme, well femme-butch hybrid, but point being I presented female whole day starting at noon. Saw my professor for number-theory, she took it in stride, and we worked out what she'd be willing to do to let me pass her course or at least not fail it. Had to get a deans exception if I wanted to pass it so I went to the department undergraduate office asked who to talk to about that. They sent me to the department chair (her husband) which was wrong but he sent me to the right people. He insisted on using male pronouns which was saddening because that meant I didn't pass, but this came after my legal name came up which is somewhat telling. Anyways went to that office got the paperwork I need to fill out, went to the psychiatrist got the appointment I need to get that paperwork, and saw my advisor so he'd know what I was doing. Advisor seemed a tad surprised but w/e and the rest didn't notice or didn't care. Went out to dinner to force myself to be arround other people and passing. Napped on the mall because it was a gorgeous day out. Saw a sad documentary and ended up talking to a new friend in the women's bathroom for a long time because it hit her really hard which was nice because I think I actually helped but kinda sucked because I unexpectedly ran into the most unreasonably hot guy on campus who I'm totally crushing on and oh my goddess I want his non-existant trousersnake in my non-existant pussycat. Don't care about that he is way the bleep too hot. That was my day jumbled into one lump cause it was, and my boobs are sweaty and I should take them off but I feel like that weight should be there so I haven't ditched them just yet. *sigh*

Oh yes, Pride Prom is saturday WOOHOO!!!

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-04-23T01:19:00

2006-04-23T05:54:09Z

So lets post, I'm home for a weekend. I'm home because a friend of mine from scouts got married yesterday which is post worthy ~~and now I'm sober enough to post something coherently.~~ There's a definite love hate relationship with weddings for me.

On the one hand:
Oh my goddess she was so beautifull, and they used purple for the flowers which was awsome and I was so ready to cry. I'd just met her but it was clear they cared about each other, and wow I wanna meet someone special and have a small comfortable but beautifull ceremony and invite both our family and friends and have everyone together and celebrating love. Oh and his sister is pregnant and positively glowing.

On the other hand:
Weddings are evil filthy rightwing propoganda. This was a pretty liberal wedding and still the terminology is like auctioning offf meat. It's messed up anyone should be degraded to property like that. What's wrong with society that we feel this need to conform to ancient nomadic partnering traditions and dated views on ethics based on survival in a society with a low survival rate for children?

On a foot unless you're a mutant with three hands:
It's actually pretty depressing seeing someone pregnant and knowing that's impossible for me ever. It's a cruel truth and even some happy moments are painfull because of it, (and painfull moment all the worse.)

In other news:
Big brother is here with his girlfriend. She seems nice. He seems like the only one in the family who's got any clue about the trans thing, which is slightly my fault for shying from being more... visible... about it. But, I keep getting discomfort vibes from my mom about it so that combined with pretty much being a soft butch means it's androgyno-masculine wear for me. Been meaning to reconnect with some friends now have some contact info to go on. I won't to fall in love, the whole crazy out of control emotional rollercoaster more than likely ending in me recieving some sort of emotional scarring thing. I dunno I just do, but I'm not really looking for it. I would like some play/cuddle time. These are different concepts, just how do you tell someone you want the (B) and aren't looking for the (A) though you're not adverse to it, just you don't feel it's happened yet. Some concepts just seem to complicate things.

I'm worry I might actually be bi-polar, several doctors have probed about this, only I don't have extended manic states, but then I read about this concept of a hypomanic state which sounds a bit familiar but I don't want to try diagnosing, that and if it's not broken don't fix it right? Only it is broke, just maybe not in that way. My head is a strange and scary place. I'd like to get out of my head for a bit.

Lifes alright, dunno why no one ever comments but sometimes it's good to just write.

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-03-31T23:14:00

2006-04-01T04:24:53Z

I don't like going to movies off campus by myself. I don't particularily like going to movies by myself when it's possible to go with someone else. Certainly yes I'm capable but it's rare there's a movie I'm so desperate to see it overpowers this social inclination.

I will sometimes goto movies on campus by myself, usually these movies are free, and take only a short walk to get there. Off campus movies cost money and involve added walking and added metro-rides. The whole process is a mess, and yeah walking arround DC alone at night is uncomfortable. I'll do it. I'll do it presenting either gender, I actually tend to feel more at ease while presenting female after I hit a certain breaking point and stop worrying about passing. To tell the truth I do tend to worry alot, and perhaps this has occaisionally inconvenienced me, but on the other hand I'll face down impossible odds without flinching when I've decided something.

Yes I'm subby, no I don't like to stand up and do daring things, but when push comes to shove look out because I am unbreakable.

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-03-31T00:30:00

2006-03-31T05:37:47Z

I feel like pusting but got nothing interesting to say so I'll steal junk from c4bl3fl4m3, a Meme! muah ha ha ha ha ha.

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD.
NO EXPLANATIONS.

1. Yourself: Odd
2. Your Lover: Confusing
3. Your Hair: Messy
4. Your Mother: Caring
5. Your Father: Unapproachable
6. Your Favorite Item: Chocolate
7. Your Dream Last Night: Wierd
8. Your Favorite Drink: Coco
9. Your Dream Home: Cozy
10. The Room You Are In: Lonely
11. Your Pet: Bear
12. Who You Are Now: Eve
13. Who You Want to be in Ten Years: Eve
14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: Vibrant
15. What You're Not: Emotionless
16. Your Best Friend: Some
17. One of Your Wishlist Items: Serenity
18. Your Gender: Female
19. The Last Thing You Did: Read
20. What You Are Wearing: Blanket
21. Your Favorite Weather: Rain
22. Your Favorite Book: Title
23. The Last Thing You Ate: Sandwhich
24. Your Life: Exuasting
25. Your Mood: Icky

Okay there's a post see see post.

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-03-14T23:35:00

2006-03-15T04:44:09Z

So my housemate is like grrr... over friggin sensative. I was up at 11p making myself a sandwhich because I was hungry and well it's a sandwich it's not like I'm cooking a fancy meal. So he comes up and whines about how noisy it is, and I'm stuck wondering about the deafening sound of peanutbutter being spread onto bread. This is college, I regullarly fell asleep to the comforting sound of police sirens and freight trains. This house is quieter at it's noisiest than the dorms were at their quietest, and while I can appreciate some people goto sleep at way the heck too fracking early but if you want absolute silence, invest in ear plugs because damnitall if I have to put up with your flushing a toilet on the far side of a thin wall you can put up with the sound of peanutbutter spreading through a carpeted floor. Yup and that's my kvetching. Yays.

Sorry I'm trying to post more and honestly I don't have interesting stuff most of the time.

kenosis_kalon @ 2006-03-14T00:38:00

2006-03-14T06:10:10Z

Cableflame is hot, there's really no point denying this point. But the real kicker is I'm attacted to both Cableflame the Ch!x0rz and Cableflame the dude (same person.) So they came over for TU and gaming which kinda sucked when we got there because A. was off topic and well, those who know A. know he's and total A. wholely so even.

Anyways gaming was alright after dinner kinda sucked because we ended up rushing through Mc Donalds on my anemic wallet. I'd wanted to cook for her but we ran out of time during the modeling session.

She gave/loaned me a bunch of her old outfits that don't fit her anymore, which is really awesome. Freeness is of course always awesome, but then we've got similar tastes *sigh* he's so geek it's teh hottness. Example being like this really cute fitted black I <3 my Geek top, Awww! ^_^ such a happy girl here you have no idea. Then there's the tux tee and raver pants thingies I wore to trans-U and gaming, I think I embarassed a couple guys there but at least I passed a little, and I looked good despite excessive boobs which I neglected to tone down before leaving. Oh and club wise, hehehe, you'll just have to invite me clubbing, but I serriously need to get some black leather boots, some sunglasses and maybe a chain belt to hang a whip from. My my my I do have curves and I could do fiendish things to those little people. *GRIN* if you're lucky you'll see, and watch it with the drooling, we don't want someone to trip.

Friday is an official maybe. My fingers are crossed and wow yeah. And the great thing is I still harbor great lust for a couple boys I'll leave nameless so as not to make myself blush, and this doesn't bother me, nor does CableFlame being bonkers in love with French-Girl who by the way sounds awesome in her own right, but I have a slight urge to avoid because relationships should have some distance and that seems like a way one should have one especially seeing as there's that whole atlantic ocean thing going on, and I have my own tragic love stories whispered on that ocean breaze.

Purple?

2005-07-02T06:12:47Z

If it wasn't obvious (which it wouldn't be on a friends page) I tried fiddling with stuff and made something purple of the journal because honestly it looked pretty yucky. Which is now an excuse to discuss purple.

Being Febuary's child amethyst is of course my birth stone; amethyst is purple.
According to Adam purple is a sexy colour.
Purple is a noble colour.
The crown chakra is purple, it's always seemed to have a rather cerebral quality.
Emotionally confusion and wierdness have always seemed purple. It's rather enigmatic. The usage of the question "purple?" serves to both assert wierd and claim/cause confusion.
If you were to take pink and blue and chuck them out the window you'd get green. But on the otherhand the splatter mark where the two mixed would be purple.

Hense purple. And for the more color conscious a translucent light but vibrant ever so slightly bluish-purple or this in a gradient to it's own solid purple-black.

kenosis_kalon @ 2005-06-30T03:22:00

2005-06-30T07:27:53Z

I have anxiety that in social situations I'll experience rejection because of my cross-gender feelings. Thus I can't openly admit them. I further have anxiety that people will see through any attempt to cover up these feelings. I'm not worried they'll know I'm trans because no one suspects that ever, but I think they percieve something is wrong and reject me instinctively for that. Thus people reject me because they obviously make me anxious and who wants to hang around with someone who's scared of them? Dunno headache nausea yucky night.

The trouble with intuition

2005-06-27T13:58:46Z

The trouble with intuition is things you can't be bothered to figure out how you know them are quite often things you'd rather not know.
I see a campus psychiatrist periodicly mostly to monitor the medication, and make sure my heart doesn't explode or I don't turn anorexic. We sit across the room from each other and don't talk about lifes problems because, I pick up on his discomfort when I try to be honest. I don't blaim him for not being familiar with what most still consider an obscure condition, but the problem is by ignoring it he's trying to approach me as if I was a boy. In a professional situation like that (thanks to the feminists, yays feminists) the differences in how a psychiatrist treats a man from a woman are tiny, but outside that professional structure, out in the real world, people aren't so liberal and gender plays a major role in life. It's annoying but it's true and if you doubt me try going out crossdressed (well) and see if people don't treat you totally differently because they precieve your gender differently. So back to the quack (sorry had to ryme) if the doctor is thinking of me in the context of someone who acts like and is reacted to like a male when I act like a female and get reacted to like an effeminant male he's already off base. And to make matters worse I tend to self medicate through roleplaying. If you're not able to be yourself you can at least make up a new self for you to be. This means he ends up talking to a mask and since that's what he wants to see he accepts that as the truth, only it's a layer of lies built up as a psychological defense mechanism. All this based on the inuitive knowledge that I make him uncomfortable. I wish I didn't notice/care what he thought or anyone else, but I react without thinking adopting that protective mask.
Sorry my life drama is boring. I need a new doctor, hopefully one who can understand or at least accept.

kenosis_kalon @ 2005-03-31T20:09:00

2005-04-01T01:22:47Z

To hell with the stupid torpedoes. Why is it my job to make other people comfortable? Did you think this was going to be easy? You know why I'm not charging ahead full speed with the transition, because I'm trying to minimize the pain for other people, trying to help them adjust to the idea. Know what, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life dressing like a dragking, I'm not going to hide forever behind a mask of intellect and apathy while my insides absorb the flack you throw at me, and I'm not going to lie about who I am because you can't handle the truth. You're not comfortable with this, I'm not comfortable with the alternative, and I have to spend more time with myself than you do. Grow up.

kenosis_kalon @ 2005-03-10T15:49:00

2005-03-10T21:00:55Z

So I did this minor depression thing only now I'm not certain whether it was depression or a cold I didn't get. It's also not the best time of month for me, figured I'd give equal postage regardless. PMS for me has always been limited to innability to fall asleep, mood swings, migrains, nausea, random crying, breast tenderness and tofu cravings yeah not really sure why I get those it's not like the stuff tastes, well like anything. This is SMP falling asleep frequently, emotional detachment, frustration, and confusion. They consistantly are two weeks apart alternating so that I have SMP during the new moon and PMS during the full moon. It's also the times when I feel the least feminine not that I feel masculine just kinda blah. I really hope I aced the exam there otherwise I know much less than I think I do.
I have another Exam next week and some homework due tommorow which I'll be doing tonight. I have a date tommorow I'm really excited. It's the first time I've ever been asked out and she's just wonderfull about everything. Need to do something with my hair not really sure what maybe I can convince it to be very curly and thus look shorter till it's long enough to be long or, short actually shoulder length is short hair.

kenosis_kalon @ 2005-03-02T09:31:00

2005-03-02T14:45:08Z

So not much happening nope, ok this was vaguely intresting.

I had been at the soda fountain in a bit of a crowd pouring myself a drink, there was no room to turn around right there so I took a half step back. Anyways me being the clutz that I am I end up stepping on this guys foot and nearly fall on my tush, nearly except the guy rather gallantly caught me leaving me feeling like quite the dumpling head. On the other hand talk about classic scenes, all fouled up though, I mean he wasn't bad looking but he's not who I'd like to catch me if I fall, and he didn't set off bis/gay-dar so I doubt I'm the sort of girl he wants to be heroicly catching. It is nice to know chivalry isn't dead or reserved for bombshells.

Thats all journal. Told you lifes been quiet. Or maybe I'm just not talking about the intresting stuff hehehehe.

kenosis_kalon @ 2005-02-22T00:12:00

2005-02-22T05:34:27Z

Awkward silence,
It's what I get whenever I come out to someone. So Ev presents "My just came out to me as now what?"

(1) Say something, ok will do for starters this'll buy you three of four seconds to articulate the next thing you need to say.
(2) Say the next thing you need to say for example:
-"I'm not really comfortable with this I need some time to think about it." (ah blunt honesty)
-"WTF? You've been smoking the good stuff and not sharing with me." (little mean but silence is scarier)
-"Cool, so I guess this means I have someone new to go shoe shopping with." (acceptance and humor yay!)
-"When did this happen?" (it's a stupid question but it expresses your confusion)
-"Ok, whatever floats your boat, I'm still not intrested in you so I hope that wasn't a come on" (naive and more than likely going to get you somewhat insult. You're not my type)
-"Yeah I know I'm glad you final decided you could tell me" (Sweet doesn't get any better than this wait WTF? how did you know?)
-"Buh????" (confused well tell me your confused)
-"I don't know what to say." (good now I know why your not saying anything at least. And you aren't flicking holy water at me trying to perform an exorcism cause I was scared you might.)
(3) Get over it sexual orrientation, gender identity, they're non-issues most of the time. It's only when we put expectations on how other people should be that it creates problems.
(4) Read a book goto a seminar, you're confused you don't know whats going on try and learn.

Yup this way there should be no unexplained awkward silences. Oh and if your coming out be patient people are universally idiots and most of them have no clue about LGBTQ or anything outside the narrow hetero/cis-centric mainstream.